Churchillâ€™s Parrot: Charlie Churchillâ€™s Parrot here and joining us this evening is the Prince of Darkness himself, Satan.Â Mr. Satan, so gracious of you to be here.
Satan: Not at all.
CP: How are you, sir?
S: Never better.
CP: Thatâ€™s most unfortunate. We must say we are a bit surprised to see you here. Youâ€™re not really one known for giving interviews are you?Â Â
S: You are correct.Â Historically my policy has been one of stealth; lurking in the shadows, masking my presence, et cetera, et cetera.Â Thereâ€™s no cause for me to employ this strategy any longer, however.Â Â Â
CP: Truly? Might we ask why not?Â
S: No one believes in me anymore.Â Iâ€™ve made a joke of the very concept of evil, let alone belief in anything called â€œThe Devil.â€Â
CP: You donâ€™t seem as distressed about that as one might expect.Â
S: Distressed?Â I relish in it.Â I am now as a hunter, utterly undetected by his prey, poised to pounce at the time of his choosing to make the final kill. Most exciting really.Â Â Â
CP: â€¦yes well that is a bit chilling, isnâ€™t it? And to what do you attribute this lack of â€œfaithâ€, for want of a better term?
S: Well it certainly is no accident.Â My minions and I have worked for centuries to divert human beings in their intrinsic yearning for the light of Truth to the enervating conundrum that the Truth is there is no Truth. And when there is no Truth, there can be no evil. There are only preferences, which fair-mindedness prohibits people of conscience from judging. Now that this mind set has been acculturated world wide, I have effectively neutered mankind, morally speaking, and enjoy free reign on Earth.Â
CP: Well there it is then. What makes you believe this mind set â€“ what we might paraphrase as Relativism – is any more a force in human events now than previous?Â
CP: Er â€¦Come again?
S: Obama. The ascendance of this man was the confirmation I required that this Relativism, as you put it, had become the dominant influence in the American ethos.Â Most of the rest of the world had adopted it decades ago, but Americans always clung to these despicable notions of self-evident truths, unalienable rights, and a â€œCreatorâ€ from which all emanated.Â Now, however, it looks as though they too have come to regard these concepts as nonsense and are more than willing to chuck them at the first hint of discomfort.Â Â Â Â
CP: Sadly youâ€™ll get no argument from us on that. Tell us, what was your first clue about Obama?Â Â Â
S: The Saddleback Church Forum with Rick Warren, Obama, and Mc â€¦ McElroy?
S: Yes, McCain.Â You will recall Warren asked both candidates independently, â€œDoes evil exist and, if so, should we ignore it, negotiate it with it, contain it, or defeat it?â€ McCainâ€™s response: â€œDefeat it.â€Â Obama, however, was far more academic, finessed, nuanced, and lengthy. I knew I had my man!Â Â Â Â Â Â
CP: Fascinating.Â Would you agree that we have seen that same dynamic played out in Mr. Obamaâ€™s reaction to sundry international crises of late: the Russian rape of Georgia, Al-Qaedaâ€™s advance through Pakistan, the bald-faced threats of North Korea, the repression of the Iranian freedom movementâ€¦?
S: Precisely! There are complexities to these issues.Â But at their core, each is plainly a manifestation of brute lust for power and disregard for human dignity. In the past, American leaders would publicly identify these acts as evil, and awaken the passions of righteousness in souls throughout the world.Â Now the leader of the free world merely furrows his brow and spouts meaningless equivocations laden with qualifiers and caveats. Delicious!
CP: President Jimmy Carter was of little more use in such instances, was he not? Whatâ€™s the difference now?
S: Carter, though useful, was genuinely weak. Obama is not weak.Â He is a devout Relativist. Thus he believes quite deeply that America is no better than any other nation. That she has no special responsibility to maintain the peace in the world.Â That she has no right to the riches she enjoys.Â And that she is a bully and a rogue who must be brought to justice before the world. More importantly, Obama has the talent and the will to convert the unbelievers to this worldview.Â Â Â
CP: So much for current foreign policy.Â What about domestically?
S: Oh where shall I begin? We have had so many victories so quickly. We have virtually obliterated faith in free market principles and convinced free people to place their trust in an economy managed by a vigorous centralized government.Â We have convinced the gentle-hearted that their love of man can best be demonstrated, not through individual acts of mercy, but through government redistribution of wealth. We continue to advance the â€œknowledgeâ€ that manâ€™s activities toward bettering himself are ultimately destructive to himself and to his planet.Â I mean I canâ€™t help but giggle like a school girl when I think about Obamaâ€™s EPA successfully selling the assertion that human breath is a pollutant!Â You canâ€™t imagine what sublimity that is to me.
But again, the most exquisite aspect of all this is that the American people voted for it. The AMERICAN people! This is the hope and change they chose. Mind boggling! Granted only about 10% were paying any attention when they did so, but apathy has always served me well and will continue to do so. My work here is nearly done.
CP: You must know there is a rather outspoken and passionate opposition to all this.
S: Oh yes, yes, but I have so thoroughly marginalized them and that which they advocate they are almost entirely irrelevant in the scheme of things; objects of ridicule and no more.Â I give you, Sarah Palin.Â Â Â
CP: Still your minions do have the tendency, from time to time, of overplaying their hands and awakening an authentic moral outrage in the common man.
S: Oh youâ€™re quite right about that. Ham-fisted pity pimps and wild-eyed sociopaths have certainly spoiled the whole game for me in the past. But I need no longer concern myself with such buffoons.Â Iâ€™ve got my smooth-talking ace-in-the-hole in the driverâ€™s seat now.Â Â
CP:Â We realize this is the age of â€œtransparencyâ€ and all, but have you no reservations about laying out your strategy so plainly?
S: None whatsoever.Â Remember, I donâ€™t exist.Â And, in the eyes of men, those who oppose me are pathetic lunatics lunging at phantoms.Â You cannot win.
CP: We can and we will.Â Itâ€™s just that you canâ€™t imagine how weâ€™ll do it at this point.Â Unfortunately, neither can we.Â But we possess something which you do not: Faith.
S: You are fools.
CP: Coming from you, thatâ€™s quite a compliment.
S: As you wish.
CP: Well we certainly have no shortage of other questions for you but we realize you have another engagement to attend.
S: Yes Iâ€™m overseeing the Jackson funeral and have a few loose ends to tie up.
CP: You donâ€™t say.Â Well sir we wish you every obstacle, frustration, and failure in your future endeavors.
C: We have no doubt.Â