President Barack Obama today announced his choice of Jesus Christ, of Nazareth, as his first selection for the Supreme Court. Citing Christ’s judicial wisdom, impeccable knowledge of the law, and “empathy,” Obama proudly presented his nominee in the East Room of the White House.
Rush Limbaugh wasted no time in seizing his microphone to condemn Obama’s choice. “When it comes to the vital moral issues of the day, this man, if I can call him a man, is a spineless twit! He has nev-errr spoken out against homosexuality! He wants us to throw away our hard-earned tax money for Mexican illegals who come crawling across our borders to steal our Â jobs and ourÂ food. And where is his American flag pin? He is a Palestinian, you know, maybe he’s hiding a Palestinian flag pinned to his underwear! His own treasurer is an embezzler!! And I’m announcing to you today – remember, you heard it here first – he has a terrorist on his staff! You heard me, a terrorist! His name is Simon the Zealot. Simon the Zealot advocates the violent overthrow of the government. Simon is a terrorist, my friends, a terrorist, like Obama’s buddy, William Ayers! And Jeezchrist refuses to repudiate him! Isn’t it obvious? Doesn’t Jeezchrist know that he doesn’t have one single, solitary qualification to even nail together a bench at the Supreme Court, much less sit on it?! Doesn’t Obama know that? My friends, I’ll make it very simple. Jesus Christ is simply not a Godly man or a patriotic American. He is just another arrogant, extreme liberal activist who thinks he walks on water!”
Other conservative extremists were quick to express indignation over the decision and promised a vigorous fight to oppose a man they described as “a liberal activist more interested in social welfare and societal change than in interpreting the law.”
Controversy has swirled around the Nazarene for years, beginning with questions about his paternity, the failure to provide a birth certificate acceptable to conservatives, and numerous questions about his early years, which remain shrouded in secrecy. Particularly worrisome are Christ’s undisclosed activities while living in Egypt during his childhood, and the mysterious, hasty journey that landed him there shortly after he was born.
Then there is the “bimbo eruption” issue. Longstanding whispers about Jesus-Groupie Mary Magdalene simply will not go away. Christ and Magdalene are regularly seen in public together and are reputed to have had numerous private liaisons as well.
It is also known that he has a hideaway in Bethany, not far from his home base of Jerusalem. The itinerant evangelist/playboy is a frequent overnight guest of two sisters who live there, according to one unidentified source. “I washed his feet after he walked back from one of these secret visits. I nearly gagged from the smell of the perfume. Nobody smells like that unless they’ve been to a Bethany brothel.”
These and similar incidents have only fueled the fires ofÂ persistent rumors pertaining to Christ’s cozy relationships with prostitutes. A man who asked that he be identified only as “Simon” agreed to go on the record with this report: “He came to my house once, and in walks this common whore. She goes straight to Jesus and gives him a foot massage – with her hair! I can’t get my own wife to do that for me. She just says, ‘Shut up, Simon. Wash your own feet. I’ve got a headache.’”
Simon added this assessment of the bizarre, erotic incident. “A man is known by the company he keeps. If he behaves like that in public, what do you think he’s doing in private?”Â
The rumors, from highly credible sources, keep pouring in as Jesus Christ awaits the Senate confirmation hearings. Is Christ an alcoholic? A well placed associate of Christ, who asked to remain anonymous, told us, “I’ve known Jeez for years. Let’s just say the guy really likes his wine. I saw him turn a wedding into a keg party one time. Twelve kegs. And that was after we’d already drunk up all the cheap stuff! Whoa, boy, does he ever know how to party!”
Right wing razor-mouth Ann Coulter expressed the most cutting indictment of all. Noting that Christ travels the countryside with 12 men, she straightened her black slit skirt, flipped her blond hair, and pronounced him to be “godless” and a “f*ggot.”
Former Vice President Dick Cheney assessed the odds against Christ exchanging his white robe for a black one. “It is my belief that this individual lacks the dignity that Americans expect in a Supreme Court Justice. I would estimate that the chances are slim to none that he will ever make it through the confirmation process. After hearing from their conservative evangelical constituents, the Republicans will crucify him.”
[Author's note: This is only a satire. None of the individuals "quoted" ever actually said any of the things facetiously attributed to them here...at least not about Jesus. No conservative extremist cited here was harmed in the making of this article. All were handled with the utmost care for their safety and wellbeing.]