Thanks for your post.

I think the best way to educate bullies is to help the rest of us stand up to them. Stopping bullies doesn’t begin with their psychotherapy and rehabilitation. Their education begins when they find out that the old tactics don’t work. Beginning by trying to educate them means that the rest of us remain victims until they decide to stop bullying (if ever). Instead, stop them first.

That means:
* Recognize the Early Warning Signs of bullies and respond effectively. Some bullies are overt while others are stealthy, sneaky, and covert. Yet we can still recognize them rapidly. Please see my book, “How to Stop Bullies in Their Tracks” and blog posts on my web site (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com).
* Change the parts of you that are attracted to overt or stealth bullies. End your self-bullying – those inner voices that criticize you relentlessly and try to convince you that you’re not worthy of better treatment, that you don’t know what’s good for you, and that you’ll never succeed or be happy.
* Call it like it is. Use the word “bully.” Shine a light on their behavior. You’re not trying to rehabilitate them, you’re trying to alert the rest of us and rally us to resist. Find allies.
* Get coaching to design tactics that fit your specific situation. Take charge of your personal space. Use the Five-Step Process that will help you create a bully-free environment; an isle of song in a sea of shouts.
* Bullies will show you how firm you have to be in order to stop them. Violence is sometimes necessary. The more you limit your range of actions, the less effective you’ll be in stopping bullies. The more boundaries you have that limit your comfort zone, the more likely bullies are to continue pushing your boundaries.

What’s the price of tolerating bullying? Slow erosion of your soul.

As I show in my books and CDs of case studies, “How to Stop Bullies in their Tracks” and “Parenting Bully-Proof Kids,” bullies are not all the same, but their patterns of behavior, their tactics, are the same. That’s why we can find ways to stop most of them.

If we don’t stop bullies, they’ll think we’re easy prey. Like sharks, they’ll just go after us more.

Disclosure: I’m a practical, pragmatic coach and consultant. Check out my website and blog at BulliesBeGone (http://www.BulliesBeGone.com).

Best wishes,
Ben

I agree with both of you and I know bullies are not nice. However, when they are young, they can be taught to help those who are not as socially adept as they are.

What people do not realize about bullies is that its not just them bullying others to get what they want or to be their friend. Bullying is a learned behavior and is learned early on. They are not learning love and trust during those early years but are learning how to manipulate and decieve to get what they want. As they learn, they become charming, charismatic and know how to engage or bring others into the fold. In many cases, bullies are given a lot of power by their peers because they know how to charm them and they come off as a lot of fun to be around. So, people come to them and eventually, they build an “in crowd” mentality. I see this all the time in my work. Very common in female bullying which is relational aggression.

I understand where you are coming from in the thought of bullies having low self esteem and are cowards. This has been the belief for a very long time. However, we are learning more and more about the bully and the psychological make-up behind it. We are learning they are arrogant, have a healthy self esteem and yes, are given a lot of power because through manipulation, they know how to charm and engage others. This brings people to them. Plus, they are a lot of fun. With people clamouring after them, this does bring a high social status. You give someone power, they eat it up and as bullies do, misuse it.

Sure, people are disgusted. However, outsiders just do not get involved. They feel they cannot stop it or they do not know how to stop it. This is where the dislike comes in.

I hope this helps clear things up. Have a good evening.

Take Care,
Elizabeth