Recently, I heard about this new book entitled “101 Facts About Bullying: What Everyone Should Know” and even though I have not read it, I do commend the author for taking a stand against the problem. Every bit helps in educating on this serious subject.
One point made in the book is that bullies can become victims and visa versa depending on situations and circumstances. Also, that it is not always good to fight back with bullies as that keeps the problem going. I have been saying both all along. The only time I advocate any fighting back is in the case of self-defense. Bullies have no limits whatsoever. Physical or psychological limits and will go the distance regardless. If a bully is trying to murder someone then yes, I do advocate fighting back out of protection and defense alone. Otherwise, I do not agree to fighting back either. Let the bully take the rap and let his actions be shown to everyone. Peer Abuse creates all sorts of problems in victims such as depression, social anxiety and PTSD. Its high time they pay for their crimes instead of the victim doing it for him.
Also, from what I understand, the book mentions that bullies can enjoy high social status. Oh isn’t this so common! Bullies are socially sophisticated and pretty much set the bar for their social environment. Therefore, they are charming and charismatic and people are drawn to them. As a result, they are given a lot of social power because people are so drawn in by them. It reminds me of one selling their souls to the devil. What bothers me is that we are learning this yet we continue to give in to them. Give them a lot of power they do not need. Instead of just saying “that is just the way it is. It is what it is” then why don’t we start educating them and rise to the occasion here? Teach them to use their powers for good instead of bad. They are given these social gifts and why do we have to allow them to misuse them? These gifts could be used to help those peers who are not blessed in these areas. Why does kindness have to be such a bad thing?
Once again, kudos to Dr. Kervokian for taking this initiative and writing the book. As a society, I wish we could learn to take the high road and stop feeding these bullies. Take the time to teach them kindness instead. After all, kindness is not really a bad thing.
Elizabeth Bennett is the author of Peer Abuse Know More! Bullying From A Psychological Perspective and resides in Los Angeles, California. To learn more, visit http://www.peerabuse.info .
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3 users commented in " Must We Feed the Bully? "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackGood heavens, Ms. Bennett! You must have met a very different kind of bully than I have. The ones I’ve had the misfortune to know only have “social standing” because everyone is afraid her or she will beat, rob, and/or humilate them or worse. There is no special talent or intelligence or characterstic of any kind behind their behavior that is worth the kid glove, “You are SO special! You’re a real leader. Just be nice about it” approach you seem to be spouting. Bullies are cowards. Bullies are the kind of people who can only get ahead by stepping on and putting down everyone around them. They engender fear not respect. They need serious psychological counseling at the very least. The people they bully should be told that THEY are special, intelligent, and their character way above that of the bully. Good grief. You are so off-base. Although I’m sure you’ve just met bullies of the best kind.
Amen to that, mytwocents. Bullies cannot be taught to be kind, that’s why they are bullies. The most important thing in the whole world to a bully is power. Kindness does not get them power, so they don’t use it, and they wouldn’t if you enlightened them to how nice it is either. Bullies want others to serve their needs at all costs. That is their agenda, and they can be found anywhere.
Hi, I want to thank you both Mytwocents and Pluto for taking the time to respond here to my blog.
I agree with both of you and I know bullies are not nice. However, when they are young, they can be taught to help those who are not as socially adept as they are.
What people do not realize about bullies is that its not just them bullying others to get what they want or to be their friend. Bullying is a learned behavior and is learned early on. They are not learning love and trust during those early years but are learning how to manipulate and decieve to get what they want. As they learn, they become charming, charismatic and know how to engage or bring others into the fold. In many cases, bullies are given a lot of power by their peers because they know how to charm them and they come off as a lot of fun to be around. So, people come to them and eventually, they build an “in crowd” mentality. I see this all the time in my work. Very common in female bullying which is relational aggression.
I understand where you are coming from in the thought of bullies having low self esteem and are cowards. This has been the belief for a very long time. However, we are learning more and more about the bully and the psychological make-up behind it. We are learning they are arrogant, have a healthy self esteem and yes, are given a lot of power because through manipulation, they know how to charm and engage others. This brings people to them. Plus, they are a lot of fun. With people clamouring after them, this does bring a high social status. You give someone power, they eat it up and as bullies do, misuse it.
Sure, people are disgusted. However, outsiders just do not get involved. They feel they cannot stop it or they do not know how to stop it. This is where the dislike comes in.
I hope this helps clear things up. Have a good evening.
Take Care,
Elizabeth
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