In a brilliant move clearly aimed at appeasing the Christian Far Right, John McCain stunned the political world by announcing that Bigfoot will be his vice presidential choice. The surprise announcement brought unified praise from Bush/Cheney Republicans, Pavlovian evangelical extremists, and knuckle-dragging pundits in what is being dubbed a bold political stroke.

Rush Limbaugh expressed mild disappointment over the decision as “not being quite conservative enough,” although he conceded that the selection of Bigfoot was “more than I’d hoped for and definitely a step in the right direction. Beats the heck out of Mitt Romney.” Ann Coulter, the Teasing Tazer of the Far Right, gushed, “Now there’s a man we can all look up to!”

The former staff of the late Reverend Jerry Falwell issued a statement declaring, “Jerry would have been so proud. For years he privately said that Bigfoot and himself were the only two men alive he did not suspect were gay.”

Senator Obama, clearly irritated that his own convention had been upstaged, was quick to attack the decision as “irresponsible, reactive, and a clear signal that McCain is running for George Bush’s third term.” But anonymous top advisors to Obama let it be known that the senator was at least heartened to know that McCain was teaming up with someone less conservative than incumbent Vice President Dick Cheney.

When Bigfoot was asked if he believed he were qualified to become president if necessary, he answered, “Unnggghhhh.” His press spokesman later issued a clarification. “What he meant was, ‘Yes.'”

A Republican official, who declined to be named, mentioned his observation that if Bigfoot had his head shaved, he might look exactly like longtime political operative James Carville. When he heard about this, Carville laughed and said, “Well, now, I don’t wear a size 38 shoe! Plus I’m married to a fox, and that bucktoothed Republican furball is probably married to another go-rilla!”

Not all the reactions were positive. McCain was challenged by one questioner who accused him of being out of touch with current news, asking him if he had not yet heard that Bigfoot was a hoax.

McCain showed no hesitation when he sternly retorted, “My friend, when you’ve actually lived as much history as I have, you learn very quickly that hoaxes are no exception in politics. The 1960 election and, some claim, the election of 2000, were both stolen. And Bigfoot would hardly be the first elected high official who was a complete phony. Read your history, my friend, read your history.”

 There is a group of Christians who are dissatisfied with the ways hardcore conservative leaders have distracted their followers from the true emphases of Jesus: healing the sick, feeding the hungry, loving the unloveable. They call themselves The Matthew 25 Network.

Brian McLaren, a leader in this group, said he was not surprised by the selection of Bigfoot. “Ordinary Christians, those who take Jesus and his mission seriously, don’t feel like this high profile fringe group speaks for them. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but Jesus talked about the religious far right of his day being like a whitewashed tomb full of dead men’s bones (Matthew 23:27). Today we have a vice presidential nominee who is nothing but a phony, frozen, rubber-suited gorilla filled with animal entrails.”

Matthew 25 Network Director Mara Vanderslice, went even further. “The Christian Right has sold its soul to the Republican Right. Now it has lost its guts and replaced them with roadkill.”

An anonymous author for a radical element of the Christian Right showed no interest in Bigfoot’s position on the issues, saying, “We really don’t care how stupid he is, so long as he is anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-sex education, anti-immigration, anti-Muslim, anti-welfare, anti-healthcare, anti-French, anti-civil rights, anti-Mormon, and has accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and personal Savior.”

[As of the time of this posting, McCain had not actually made a vice presidential selection. All quotations in this satirical article, other than the Jesus quote, are fictitious. All persons and organizations mentioned are real–except Bigfoot.]

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