Dear God –

I see you wrote another book.  Congratulations.  It’s certainly different that the other works people say you have been behind.

First of all, I know you’re into humility, or at least your son was, being born in a stable and all.  Yet you decide to break into the publishing scene for the first time in about 1600 years (I would count your Book of Mormon, but that was written on heavenly gold plates long before it was transposed into a book) and instead of going with an important publishing company, you go with Reveal Press located in Virginia.  Or so the kindly feedback card I received from your press agent informs me.  I understand publishing in America – a lot of people here certainly feel entitled to your presence and would abandon your mega-churches and stop being healthy and wealthy if they felt slighted by you showing up elsewhere.  But about your press agent, since he is working for you and promoting your book and the things you have said, does that put him on the level of a prophet?  Or is he merely a priest?  So many questions, most of which, in fitting with your other literature, are not addressed in the text.

Nonetheless, now available in book form is your latest, I Am God – Here’s My Message.  I see your flair for understatement has all but vanished.  Maybe titles like Holy Bible, The Koran, and Bhagavad Gita just didn’t jump off the bookshelves so freshly anymore.  After all when I see The Client in the store, I already have a huge insight into John Grisham’s basic plot.  Regardless of my book-naming preferences, I am glad that you have gotten better at self-promotion.  The less you need us, the better it is for you.

In the back on your book, there’s a section about the author.  I was expecting something along the lines of “God lives everywhere, has a son, didn’t go to school because he already knows everything and enjoys creation.  God has also had a recent novel optioned by Mel Gibson.”  Instead, it was about your human vessel for this film, who curiously chooses to remain anonymous as this was book was written with you providing sole inspiration.  It would be strange to go out for beers with the guys after work and everyone’s afraid to tell the funny jokes because “that’s the guy who God speaks to.”  Believe me, I can understand.  What I don’t understand is, how easy was this for the editor?  It’s not as they could tell God that this was an unnecessary chapter or that those two ideas were unclear.  If inspiration means what you write is perfect the first time through, I wouldn’t mind writing your next bestseller, in case you’re taking names.  I could use a little of that.

Also, if the book is inspired by you, is that just the text itself, or does it refer to the dedications and the title?  What about the “about the author section?”  Or the back cover?  Did you pre-ordain what your Library of Congress number would be?  And you have a website promoting your book.  How involved were you in that process?  Inspiration creates such problems.

So here’s what your new infusion of wisdom into the world boils down to.  Seven blessings we must focus on and make our mantras and repeat and meditate over day after day until we can realize them in our lives.  Not exactly a go and do likewise, but I suppose it could work.  One thing I did notice is that a lot of your affirmations have that ironic detachment and sheer world-ending madness of a Kurt Vonnegut saying.  This makes sense, considering I believe you two would have made fast friends.  Here are your seven blessings.  Thankful For All My Blessings; Total Enlightenment; Total Clarity; No Worry – Balanced Centered Harmonious Peacefulness; Total Connectivity – Receptive, Connective, Helpful, Effective, Successful; Wealth and Prosperity Consciousness; Fulfilling Life Mission.  Nice.

Here’s what I have to say.  God – what the hell?  This isn’t like you.  This book was terrible boring, and I had to put it down every couple of pages to take a break from all the monotony.  You are a great storyteller, most of this time.  This reads like pastel, all bland and peaceful.  As God, you are supposed to be proving answers to the biggest questions in life or at least giving us a framework to wrestle inside of.  Crime, genocide, racism, class warfare, environmental issues, crippling poverty, oppressive governments, slavery, sexual crimes – where are your answers to these or at least acknowledgements that they exist?  Theologians of all sorts have been debating core issues about you for thousands of years and when you finally show up in print again, do you settle anything?  No, you say it’s foolish and move beyond it.  Yet these things do matter, as uncomfortable as it may be.  Now you’re calling us to just be spiritual in general and not subscribe to specific beliefs, to just focus on something good beyond us?  That’s weak sauce, God.

I know you, God.  I have little to nothing locked down when it comes to what you are, but studying you is what both of my college degrees are about and it was a study I took seriously.  I know a lot of people would prefer a teddy bear God, all cute and cuddly.  But preference comes into play when it’s about what you want on your cheeseburger, not what a divine being is like.  If you’re as big a sissy as this newest book makes us think, then we are doomed in the face of whatever evil there is in the world.

Yours,

Nathaniel Jonet

PS.  I bought your book at Amazon.com.

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