Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is quite short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world’s nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT’ll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WON’T GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bonne chance, mez amies.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put ‘em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country’s oil needs for decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, “darn tootin.”

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night. ”

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

She’s broken her silence on the public stage to promote her mother’s candidacy for the most powerful job in the world. In doing so, she’s throwing around endearing tidbits about her upbringing, laughingly enumerating the chores she had to perform while living in the White House and professing great love for both her parents, lauding them as “firm but fair.” On the campaign trail, she spoke of her mother: “There’s nobody who I like more and trust more in the entire world.” And much has been made of her unique utility to her mother’s campaign.

As a new mom just two years older than Chelsea, this hits home for me. I only recently signed up for motherhood, and it’s hard to envision the day I’ll be able start letting go of the job I’ve done and enjoy the fruits of my labors. I can’t even wrap my mind around the incredible feat of earning such high praise from one’s own child, so I have to respect Bill and Hill’s accomplishment here.

But I wonder: Should we really be vetting presidential candidates through the eyes of their children?

A negative review was certainly enough to preclude the already remote chance of my voting for Rudy Giuliani. When his son Andrew announced that he’d be too busy with his golf game to actively support his father, I banished Rudy from consideration. Familiar with the tawdry headlines from his time in (and out) of Gracie Mansion, I cringed at the public humiliation of the mother of his children. Stepping out with Judi Nathan before the ink was dry on his divorce papers seemed like everything that was wrong with our fractured society. Here was a public servant casually dismissing his family, omitting them from his public and private existence while he blazed ahead with his newest fling. And now if his son was angry enough to wash his hands of him, doing the same was the least I could do.

But I’m not sure Hillary’s parenting can go on her resume. Take her heavy-handed role in calling for David Shuster’s head last week, the latest in a long line of interventions on Chelsea’s behalf. Protecting Chelsea spoke to the Clintons’ parenting prowess when they denounced Rush Limbaugh for tastelessly mocking her awkward appearance when she was just twelve. That was just not cool, and the Clintons get an A+ for stepping in in Chelsea’s early teenaged years and declaring her off-limits.

Yet once Chelsea became an adult, I began to cringe as the Clintons took an increasingly heavy hand in protecting her. When Jess Oxfeld was fired from the Stanford Daily for speaking candidly about the impact of her Secret Service protection on other students, the tenacious protection took on a more sinister tone. And the fracas after Shuster’s rather innocuous comments was even more alarming. Clearly, Hill and Bill called for blood for political gain, undoubtedly envisioning throngs of modern helicopter parents seconding the motion. As a parent, I’m thinking of the two-year-old in my son’s music class who kept trying to take his maracas away from him - and I understand the instinct to protect.

But as a politician, her handling of Shuster’s remarks frighten this civil liberties-loving citizen. First of all, his comments were valid: Chelsea Clinton is a 27-year-old professional woman who is getting up at 5a.m. every day to campaign for her mother, with an agenda that includes everything from calling superdelegates to lunching with Hayden Panettierre. She is fair game.

More troubling is the window into Senator Clinton’s managerial style: the assertion of personal gain without regard to others’ livelihood evoked the White House Travel Office firings. We’re just starting to see light at the end of the very long, dark tunnel of a Bush Administration featuring a rollback of civil liberties we haven’t seen since Executive Order 9066. Do we really need another fascist in the White House? In fact, Senator Clinton has the potential to be far worse than President Bush: just as authoritarian, but a micromanager to boot.

(My beloved President Bartlett would have administered an eloquent smackdown of Shuster, but he would he would have affirmed his freedom of speech in a way that rendered it useless. I miss The West Wing!)

I’m just not sold on the idea that good parent = good president. And truthfully, we don’t really know what kind of person Chelsea is. We’re all familiar with the stellar resume, but we don’t know how she treats waitstaff, how easy she is to work with, how she treats children and pets, how much joy she takes in a beautiful sunrise. Just how much do we really know about her carefully guarded identity?

Chelsea Clinton loves her mother. I’m just not sure how much her endorsement should matter.

Katie Stamos writes about politics and parenting over at http://someonesmother.com/