Not even the German Ministry for Consumer Protection was prepared for such shocking results, and they have been ministering to consumers for years. A study made by Germany’s Federal Institute for Food and Nutrition has determined that Germans have become lazy and overweight no-good bums, and this despite the fact that many of them have cut down on their beer drinking dramatically. Although, come to think of it, they do still have a really rotten, pessimistic view about life in general and their economy in particular. But that’s beside the point, I guess.

“We knew they, I mean we were real slugs and all,” said a spokesman for the ministry. “But we had absolutely no idea we were such world class losers. I mean, talk about your American conditions. Sheesh.”

The study shows that about two thirds of German men and 51 percent of the women carry something called “excess fat” around with them all the time. This is up from 39 percent of the men and 47 percent of the women determined in a study done 20 years ago. The study also indicates that Germans have become much more “idle, desk-bound and lazy” and that German food has also become more “energy-dense”, something most food scientists had thought impossible up until now.

Consumer Protection Minister Horst Seehofer wasted no time in addressing the problem by pulling out and actually chewing on a carrot before live cameras at a news conference yesterday. “We need to educate people better,” he said after spitting out several large chunks in napkin while nobody was looking. “And get Germans to start filling their lunch boxes with healthy and expensive fruits and vegetables instead of all that el cheapo bad food crap so readily available out there now. That’ll be a breeze.”

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