Totally buzzed on Tilidin, the latest fear-inhibiting fashion drug, German Environment Minister Sigmar Gabriel (SPD) has called the introduction of a general speed limit of 130 km/h (about 80 mph) in Germany to be inevitable. A country-wide speed limit will now be necessary in order for Germany to reach the measures set forth in the ambitious climate protection package announced yesterday by the EU Commission. The package aims at a 40 percent reduction in CO2 emissions by the year 2020.

After brashly announcing his shocking plans to a speechless German crowd, a glassy-eyed Gabriel, obviously now at home in his own private Umweltzone (environmental zone), then swaggered over to a journalist he had never much cared for and punched him squarely in the nose. As other SPD politicians then tried to bring him to reason he went completely berserk, smashing up several chairs and tables and then, running outside to jump inside “Dicker” (fat boy), his S Class 500 Mercedes, he screeched off in a cloud of CO2 to offer several dozen German helicopter policemen a run for their money (a run which they are still running now, as a matter of fact). All German Environment Minister enjoy immunity for life, you see, or at least until 2020.

Tilidin is said to make one fearless, cold-blooded and resistant to pain and has apparently become the latest drug of choice for young foreign criminal types in Berlin these days before they all get put in a Hessian boot camp or shipped off to Siberia. How a Minister for the Environment type like Gabriel, neither young nor foreign, could have gained access to the drug has yet to be determined and probably won’t be until the batch he took finally wears off.

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