In a surprisingly strong second place finish, the Uncommitted Party’s Senator Nobody dogged the heels of Senator Clinton, claiming a “moral victory” in the Michigan primary. The two senators tied in number of delegates won–zero. Also winning zero delegates were non-candidates Don Imus, O. J. Simpson, and charming razor-mouth Ann Coulter.
“We didn’t expect to do this well in a basically uncontested race,” said Nobody. “We’re in this for the long haul. And when January 20, 2009 arrives, we’re expecting to have a Nobody sitting in the White House.”
In her victory statement, Clinton said, “We’re not shedding any tears over this one. We’re just very happy for the solid win tonight, even if it was against Nobody.”
Exit polls showed that Senator Nobody picked up close to 100% of the Uncommitted vote, plus many disgruntled Democrats. Despite their optimistic spin, the Clinton people have to be concerned that nearly four out of ten voters in Michigan believed that a Nobody Administration is preferable to another Clinton Administration. Stated another way, when running against Nobody, Senator Clinton won fewer than six out of ten votes.
One voter, who declined to give his name, said, “I didn’t vote for Clinton. I didn’t vote for Nobody. I just came here to get that little pencil in the voting booth.”
Amid shouts and cheers, the runner-up in Michigan shouted, “They said Nobody could beat Hillary Clinton, and they were correct. I just did!”