— “Barefoot and Pregnant: The Secret Life of Hillary Clinton”

— Tim LaHaye’s latest Christian horror novel, “Kicked in the Behind”

— 2008 Swimsuit Calendar featuring Karl Rove and Fred Thompson

— Spinach Patch Doll (Aside from the green, leafy head, the manufacturer swears its adorable.)

— “Teaser: Unauthorized Biography of Ann Coulter” (She reportedly claims she would never date a godless Jewish liberal enjoying his widowhood–unless he was rich.) The word Teaser is just a schoolyard taunt. At least it doesn’t rhyme with Maggot.

— Anything written by O.J.

— “The View: Rosie O’Donnell’s Greatest Moments” on DVD

— “Here’s Waldo,” a book for the non-intellectual in your family, complete with red arrows pointing out the elusive little scamp

— Bin Laden Cuddle-Me-Tender Action Figure (waterboard not included; marketing research reveals most of us would rather just go ahead and drown him)

— “A KGB Christmas: We Came Upon a Midnight Clear,” your favorite carols sung by Vladimir Putin

— Bill Clinton’s “All the Girls I’ve Loved Before,” handsomely bound 12 volume set (must be 18 to order)

— Mr. Tomato Head, hours of messy fun for the spoiled little sadist who has everything

— G.I. Marvin, National Guard Baby Boomer

—Tap dancing instructional video featuring Senator Larry Craig

— Tickets to Guantanamo Family Theme Park

— Mohammad teddy bears

— “Smutty Mitt: Romney’s Favorite Farmer’s Daughter Jokes”

— “One More Surge: George W. Bush’s Bold Plan to Conquer Vietnam”

— Metallic underwear, for the airline traveler who doesn’t get enough attention

—New low budget Christmas DVD starring Britney Spears as the Virgin Mary, Napoleon Dynamite as Joseph (“No ROOM at the INN? GAHHHHH! That SUCKS!”), and Donald Rumsfeld, Adam Sandler, and Dog the Bounty Hunter as the Three Wise Men 

 

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