In a shocking move that took thousands of well-fed Beamte completely by surprise, German Interior Minister Wolfgang SchÃ¤uble has actually and even seriously suggested a newly-drafted government plan in whichÂ Beamte should be paid according to something he called their â€œperformanceâ€ (what they actually do) in the future.
â€œHuh? What?â€ asked one dumbfounded representative from the influential German Beamtenbund (Civil Service Employees Association) after he and the rest of the stunned audience realized he had not been joking and stopped chuckling in an abrupt fashion. â€œGetting paid â€˜for what we actually doâ€™? What the hell is that supposed to mean?â€
A visibly nervous and heavily perspiring SchÃ¤uble then went on to explain that in the future, â€œa civil servantâ€™s remuneration will be calculated to a much greater degree upon his or her performance, dedication and know-how.â€ After a few more minutes of awkward silence, another skeptical Beamte raised his hand. â€œYou mean weâ€™ll be getting less, right?â€
SchÃ¤ubleâ€™s â€œnot necessarilyâ€ retort did not come as quickly as the audience had hoped and was immediately met with outraged cries of â€œStarvation wages!â€ and â€œManchester capitalism!â€ before three worried, tomato-covered bodyguards quickly whisked the minister offstage and into a waiting, armored vehicle.
SchÃ¤ubleâ€™s office later announced that he had found the discussion very â€œlively and invigoratingâ€ and that he is currently working on ironing out some of the draft planâ€™s â€œmessy wording problemsâ€ as fast as his trembling hands allow him to.
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